Ongezellig

massa would have been better off relegating the writing of ongezellig to someone possessing an affinity for subtlety and most importantly, eloquence.
it would be unsurprising if he never thought of this, or, thought of it and decided against it. he has a history of having awful judgement and making equally awful decisions that go against what he needs in favor of what he wants:

>i don't like talking to people outside of my inner circle so i'm going to make a discord server (this decision is a nonsensical exception, he has shown himself to hate interacting with the masses, i can only assume he was peer pressured into doing this).

>i need money so i'm going to exclusively use a dutch alternative to patreon and never sell merch (i think everybody can agree that intentionally warding off success for the sake of a supposedly lofty ideal, that is clearly anything but, is ridiculous and self-destructive).

>internationals have taken a liking to my work for the first time, so i'm going to immediately alienate them.

>ongezellig is my most successful work, so i'm going to shun it and pretend that it doesn't exist like an abusive parent.

ongezellig didn't have to be a failure and this proves it.

>>128883
it makes sense but it's still awful. this show doesn't attract third worlders like a flame attracts moths for no reason.

>>129043
yeah he did
>For a brief moment, she could almost hear Maya saying ‘I love you!’ In that high-pitched giggle as she tackle-hugged her, with the biggest, toothiest grin on her face.

>Coco’s jaw quivered. Her throat swelled as she choked back tears. Her knuckles turned white as she tightly gripped her locket with both hands.

>God, what she’d do to get it back...

>>129300
I've read Misery. So far, it's working to evoke a sense of helplessness. I like the idea. The dialogue with the nurse was particularly something I caught on. A sense of realism, a background character who interacts with a protagonist as if they were just two people who are in need of seeing someone and showing that someone respectively
<waar space
However, like that one nophono said, too much telling. I liked the vivid descriptions of Maya's attempt, but the schoolyard was heavily dependent on telling us what Coco was doing, while also not taking advantage of the atmosphere, of a September afternoon in the Netherlands. As Zaryans, we know what the schoolyard looks like, but that context should not be marginal
<waar space
That one authorial intrusion of thr FID/interiority saying Coco felt like shit genuinely made me chuckle
<waar space
Overall, it's working. Clumsily, but it's nothing proofreading can fix. I recommend Writerfail does more compression, especially filtering. Because

>Coco’s phone suddenly buzzed in her bag, “Oh! S-Sorry,” She said as she fumbled with her bag, “Someone’s texting me!”

could be worded better. Writerfail needs to trust the reader. This passage in particular, if I may, would be better if it said less but showed more

<Her phone buzzes. "Oh! S-sorry!" Fumbling for her bag. "Someone's calling me!"

Compression is key. Same information, but with less volume. This is how I write for example because I love close-third present tense to establish immediacy because I spare adverbs for the moments where they really matter

>>129304
Everyone has different styles. Writerfail just needs a bit of a nudge when it comes to more showy writing. I have a very empirical way of writing, which can be seen in what I am about to quote from IW, where I make Vera rant about le stroopwafel:

>“Sorry. I haven’t eaten.”
<Right index finger to the island. “I’ve got snacks. Help yourself.”
>“Lollipops?”
<“I take it you like sweets, Kamerman.”
>“My mom tells me I need to watch my sugar.”
<She goes to the island, grabs a lollipop with the ashtray, and fits one into her mouth, tasting the sweetness, “I have stroopwafels.”
>“I’d love to but not now.”
<“Sounds like the words of a man who would have a more refined palate.” She grabs two from the packet and hands one to him. The other she places on top her coffee.
>“It’s not that, mevrouw.” He takes it, asks for a plate, lays it there. “I just eat anything. I’m craving for a cheeseburger actually.”
<“Cheese.” Pulling her seat back, lollipop exiting her lips. “When most people hear cheese, they think of places. Amerika. Parma and Reggia Emilia. Zwitserland. Gouda.” She spins the lollipop stick. “Syrup waffles are out of the picture for outsiders who hear of Gouda in particular. 1810, 1837, 1840, 1853. Whatever the dates are, Gerard Kamphuisen is the one name constant when you hear of the pastry’s origins.”
^The lollipop makes its way back into her mouth, and so do his eyes, before it comes out again. 4th of July starts.
<“Well, some want to stretch it to 1784. I highly doubt it.”
^He says nothing.
<“This baker from Gouda mixed dough scraps with a syrup of his own making. His recipe was sealed in an unopened envelope by his bakery, though by the Springtime of the Peoples, the recipe was already known. With these peasant uprisings, you’d have people needing to sustain themselves on whatever was at hand, and a syrupwafel borne from scraps had got them a crude nickname because of the people who ate them, armenkoeken—the poor man’s cookie.”
>“Reminds me of ship biscuits.”
<“Precisely. But the wafel, unlike hardtack, managed to make it out of its periphery and became sensational. Whereas the ship biscuit was the sustenance of the naval tradition—it got as far as the trenches we never trudged in, but only just—” Pinching her fingers, “Stroopwafels were truly made for the masses.” Palm wide open.
>“Am I really listening to you talking about the history of a waffle?”
<“Then I’ll stop.”
>His left fist on his lips, his cheeks a slight bright hue. “No, please continue.”
<“The Industrial Revolution happened, that one bakery in Gouda got enough gas to sustain a commercial enterprise, an industrial behemoth of its own kind, and by the Franco-Prussian War was also the first time the wafel made it out of its hometown in meaningful ways. Ninety years after the skirmish, Gouda is now the stroopwafel hub it is today, at that time having seventeen factories dedicated to that pastry alone.”
>“It also happens to make good cheese.”
<The confectionery’s circular shape fits exactly the ashtray. “You already know September 30th.”
>“A day entirely dedicated to stroopwafels, why?” His surveillance on the moist sweetmeat.
<“Twenty-two million packets per annum is truly worth celebrating. But what we Dutchmen can’t resist doing is a sense of reclamation. We do it against the sea, hence the provinces that are entirely polders. And we did it with a pastry whose tradition it was derived from is distinctly continental.”
>“Well, the Belgians do have their waffles.”
<“And the Belgians owe their tradition to the French. The first waffle guild—and do not think of it as something silly, Kamerman—was by the Parisian oubliers in 1270, over half a millennium before Kamphuisen’s first scraps, though one can argue the oublies they made are precursors to waffles than actual waffles. And a comprehensive cookbook Le Ménagier de Paris, dating from 1393, already laid out the backbone of what waffles would become. We tried to be different by using caramel syrup instead of cheese, and putting the wafel over our coffee before the first bite, the heat a part of the process, the waiting itself a ritual.” Cigarette on her right, its turn to making it for her mouth.
^He cannot stop looking as she then devours the entire thing in one sitting.
>“So waffles are continental, but I don’t see the issue here, mevrouw.”
<“The revolutionary aspect of the stroopwafel was that it was a snack made for commoners by a commoner. It has largely achieved that.” She takes a drink. “If it is quintessentially Dutch next to windmills, polders, dikes, tulips, clogs and bicycles, the same can be said for a sack of rice from Soerabaja, or cigarettes from Aruba.” She takes a hit. “And people nowadays only see why things are there but not why they were put there. Not, ‘Why is that there.’ It’s just there, and the objects are unable to not compel them otherwise.”
>“Why do you say that, mevrouw?”
<“People don’t know how to think, but instead they only know how to react to certain stimuli.”
^The kitchen is quiet for a little bit.
>He takes off his glasses. “Well, I think I’m hungry.”
<“Again, help yourself.”

Apparently 3GoyGlowers, after sperging about A Search for Maya, uploaded something new o algo:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/83433391/chapters/219792796

It says that maya is the ebodiment of the "sixes culture" (5.5 is the minimum to not fail and people want 6 to stay safe, basically saying she's doing the bare minimum to not fail her classes)

Mymy is a megalomaniac with a napoleoncomplex and the teacher says she really hates the kid. But she's also weak against bottles

>>128880
>Bullshit. Have you ever met a humble 8 year old?
>I sincerly doubt that any child would be concerned about something as insignificant to them as time
i think the point is that coco was forced to mature very fast due to the death of her parents so naturally she's going to be more humble and less childish than the rest even if she's very "naive". yes its a tired excuse but it makes sense for her character
>>What I want to be when I grow up: Very old
this is just a completely normal thing for a kid to say when asked this question, you're reading too much into this
>I highly doubt she would've gotten a computer this young with a mother like Soei.
but she did. also we dont know soei enough to jump to assumptions like that, it could be the family computer for all we know
>Again, I highly doubt that Maya wouldn't play sports with a mother like Soei.
but she didnt. and again, we dont know enough about soei + not EVERY parent makes their kid do sports, especially if their kid is a girl
>I doubt that any child would have any concept of "paying attention" or even know that they're bad at it.
she most likely wrote this after multiple scoldings from teachers or her parents, its not out of this world for a kid to be insecure about what they get scolded over
>>I really don't like: School
yeah this could have been much more interesting i agree
>What child hasn't loved going to an amusement park? An Aquarium? A Zoo?
READ NIGGA READ. it says vacation COUNTRY. maya doesnt have one because she's likely never been to another country at that age unlike the others who are both foreigners
>I'm positive there are other things she wants more, like her cat.
yeah what the fuck was massa thinking here
>>What I want to be: I dunno
again, relatively normal thing for a kid to say when asked this question

you seem to think all children act in a very specific way while forgetting that the 'lig girls were never normal children to begin with, the three (yes even mymy) went through a lot from a very young age and thats what makes them interesting to begin with