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I've been quite numb for a lot of my life, when you're abused as a child your brain shuts down to prevent the stress and this can go on for years

So i've experienced most of my life with this numb barrier that stopped me from truly feeling. I think about the archetypal loser for a while, this guy whom chicks have never batted an eye at him and has never experienced teen love, but i "did"

i got with this mentally ill female, and i couldn't feel anything for her, i was a father more than a boyfriend, just telling her what to do and to not cut herself, but i never felt anything for her, i think this is a worse fate than just not being able for women to notice you, i mean they don't notice me either, i just got lucky and got someone mentally ill and attention seeking enough to get with my ugly, fat and autistic self

this relationship left me feeling more numb than i actually was, i realized i couldn't hold a normal relationship with a human, it's not about being a loser anymore and just being antisocial and not being able to hold conversations (which all of those things i am guilty of anyways) it's about me not being able to actually connect with people

are you guys also obsessed with the ongezellig characters? i am a newfag truly, my first interaction with ongezellig was when i lurked the sharty back in 2024 and they were posting mymy, i never bothered to actually check out the series until about 1 week ago, she completely broke my numb dissociation years, but at what cost? all i can feel is pain

she hit all the nails for me, she's not real so she's not a human which i already have a hard time even interacting with, she's mentally ill like i am, she thinks almost exactly like i do, but this has become a curse, she's my ideal woman, but she's not real, i want to hold her, i want to help her, i want to cuddle with her, i want to stop her from crying, but i could never, this world is cold and the only meaning i could find is towards someone that doesn't exist.

I was staying at my mom's house tonight and we wanted to watch something so I played Ongezellig since I like it and she was interested what all the fuss is about.
So we watched the entire thing + Mayas sweet 16 and conversation, and I told her a little lore about all the characters.

She said that if I keep up like this she won't live long enough to see grandchildren.