Markup /zellig/129060

Comment
>>129057
Writergod if you’re here, it’s pretty good, much better than most ao3 slop, I’m just leaking because I’m sick of Maya suicide stories and there are faggots in your comments.
If you want feedback, I have a few actual notes.
Don’t use redundant imagery like describing the smell of wet concrete as damp, ears that painfully ache, or that a spasm is “awful” when you also characterized it much better as “like molten daggers”. At best the weaker words just hold back the stronger ones, at worst they make the whole thing weaker.
Try to avoid repeated phrases unless it’s for a specific effect. You use “just get it over with” well in chapter one to build the tension, but in part two you use “a bit of drool rolled down her chin” twice within a few lines, and end two sentences in a row with “all together” in the hospital.
Be careful about using the (pronoun + sensory/ thought verb) combination, because it usually comes off as filtering. “Coco could see her friends waving to her from under a tree” and “Coco knew that the nurse was probably exhausted” are telling, but “her friends waved to her from under a tree” and “the nurse was probably exhausted” are showing. You didn’t do it much, but it adds separation between the reader and the character, which can be useful at times if you want impersonality, but plays against the writing when we know Coco’s thoughts.