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I wanna preface this by saying im here because this is too embarrassing to post on a more identifiable place and the sharty is no use, also im NOT a troon and NEVER will be one or anything close to it and I know for a fact im not gay.
Im a man but I don't really understand how to be one entirely, I grew up without a father figure and I was mentally ill in my tween/teen years and suicidal. I've always been very sensitive cuz of autism and im very physically weak my whole life, I was really insecure about this in high school and I was already depressed so I found myself latching onto media that had "Soft" male characters like deltarune and sanrio stuff and a variety of cute themed furry webcomics because I associated masculine men with ugly and mean things, and saw myself in characters like ralsei or the suicidal cat in this picture
I didn't want to fuck them I want that to be clear, the fantasy was being them and then maybe dating one of the girl characters from the comics/games I was fantasizing about. part of my suicidal tendencies was the fantasy of escaping the real world and then going to a afterlife where I basically become one of those characters,
its so bad it warped my perception of self where my inner monologue and self perception I always imagine a squeaky voiced sort of chibi/fursona version of myself whenever I think or picture myself doing something or during my cry sessions.
Im a adult now and I know this stuff is all bad and unhealthy especially since I have seen how troons are and have shifted into a more conservative mindset but no matter what I do I can't get out of this headspace
im so jealous of normal guys who grow up and do manly stuff and have girlfriends without ever having these weird fantasies because I genuinely don't know what to do, I know I need to be normal but my brain wants me to -ACK and get away from reality, wtf do I do to undo this, I feel like I got fucked up rng and should just -ack to try again at life as a normal guy.
I just wish I could hit a hard reset and start over life away from internet as someone without autism and grow up a normal man and be able to do normal guy things without this lingering feeling im "missing out" and "running out of time" on that weird fantasy my brain cooked up while I was suicidal.
what causes this phenomenon? it's time to get a job
Im not gay, and I didn't make this up as if I did I would've used a less private site
Im just generally speaking a very rare type of person, i haven't met anyone else who is like me in my entire life online or in person, most guys with this issue the problem is they want to be feminine but can't because they know its bad or something when my issue is I both want to go be a normal guy and die as a grandpa and everything but I also have this nagging urge to off myself and get isekai'd as picrel and have a tumblr oc wife and we go on adventures
nigga im not reading allat IDGAF about your latest made up fairy tale, return to talking to yourself instead of me
I'd recommend focusing on the physical aspect in life first as a means to improve your mental state. I find that regularly immersing myself in nature helped with my mental state. As well as going to the gym. I personally find solace in Christ, I often visited an empty field to dwindle on my existence and feelings, which I found kinda helped. It at least grounds your existence to what's actually real and infront of you. It's cliché, but try to surround yourself with positive attitudes and thoughts, “We Suffer More Often in Imagination Than in Reality” is a quote by Seneca. Also if possible find non-judgemental individuals who you can surround yourself with, although its very difficult.
For me its hard cuz autism + ADHD so I am plagued by constant distraction and everytime I try to do more normal stuff like going outside I get this weird mental fog during that pulls me back
>For me its hard cuz autism + ADHD so I am plagued by constant distraction and everytime I try to do more normal stuff like going outside I get this weird mental fog during that pulls me back
I never liked the fagboy thing but I do have a wimpy dad so from an early age I thought of women as more (aesthetically) powerful and serious in a way. It was counterbalanced by interacting with girls at school and realising how retarded they were but reinforced by a lot of jewish media where masculine white men are portrayed as stupid, arrogant, mediocre, incapable, insecure, grotesque, repulsive etc (with rare exceptions like the first Incredibles which I loved). So I also found it hard to find examples of men to aspire to.
Even stuff that's advertised to be appealing to men usually has this really dumbed-down or low-class feel like you're meant to have no thoughts beyond "work", "beer", "muh dick" like obedient goycattle.
If you're gonna be a sperg who lets cartoons affect your self-image I'd say watch Attack on Titan because it teaches the meaning of strvggle or something.
put a pin in it
The issue is that I only ever consumed the most feminine stuff as a kid but now even though I exclusively stick to normal stuff like doom or whatever I still have this problem
no it actually makes a lot of sense unlike talking to yourself about nonsense
local pet nigger, you can simply ignore him, there are zero reasons to reply to him
>>34106
I had a slightly similar experience OP, my father was abusive and later not in my life (thankfully). So I never really had a male role model in my life, and I was (and still am) quite sensitive because of my skinny slightly short build and Aspergers. However I’d just get obsessed with fictional girls and imagining a life with them (sometimes as am afterlife although not always). I feel like the art of Chud in powerful or historical positions kinda reflected what I often fantasied about at the time just add some hecking anime girls or something to it.
So while I never wanted to be feminine and soft like you did, I lived out my masculine urges in my imagination. I dunno where I’m getting at, just thought it was funny to compare since we had sort of similar situations but different outcomes.
>However I’d just get obsessed with fictional girls and imagining a life with them
Yeah that was part of it, I kinda saw normal guy sexuality as bad because of my frame of reference for it being abusive men so I figured it was less bad if I imagined sort of gender role reversed scenarios where Im the weaker and smaller one and the wife is the big and incontrol one
My two cents? Find a person you can share your interests with anyway.
Like a rape survivor putting herself on the dating market.
Life goes on.
i have met exactly 6 people like you, im enrolled in a course for animation/drawing improvement btw
>i'm so unique there is no one else like me i also want to kys btw
you are in fact not so unique i'm afraid
The problem is that this stuff is sort of ingrained into me, imagine if every time you thought a thought or pictured yourself doing something you saw/heard a fucking cartoon instead of your actual self, to make things worse I dreamt one night recently of waking up with a more masculine build and chest hair and stuff and felt this weird profound sense of sadness and loss during the dream which combined with the fact I recently realized the idea of aging into a middle aged man genuinely scares me, I have basically relapsed into the headspace I was at when I was a teenager, and just seeing something that reminds me of the stuff I liked back then, triggers me back to that weird suicidal headspace I was in, I can just be using youtube and then spot some character from a artist's channel and all of a sudden im hearing the same voices in the back of my head I was when I was genuinely considering jumping off a cliff.
im watching an tranime with that exact same scenario right now i recommend watching it before you isekai yourself, it's called kore kaite shine its pretty neat
The sad thing is those guys will probably end in something worse than my position since I atleast find the concept of trooning out to be fucking disgusting, and im too sane to actually do any irl stuff based on this problem I have. Whereas those guys will probably get groomed by some jarty user in a few years and off themselves.
you don't have it as bad as you think when you consider there's people out there whose life is exactly that, so why not grow a pair and put your autogynephilia to good use by uhhhhhhhhh idk draw zellig SISAs and shi
>>34140
>autogynephilia
I don't imagine myself as a girl tho, I specifically imagine myself as like a gentler male character, because being a "bitch boy" was basically how I viewed myself during my upbringing, trooning out as a concept genuinely grosses me out more than the idea of getting old and ugly, its just too perverse a idea for.
This stuff also isn't really 100% sexual, it did affect my sexuality since I mentioned I got into femdom and gender role reversal kind of stuff but I genuinely just for some reason have this weird catharsis feeling whenever I see characters like ralsei or specifically non sexualized "soft" male anthro characters where I feel like Im seeing myself/how I mentally view myself/my internal monologue, I don't feel the same way when I see "femboy" stuff because I feel too grossed out by the fetish aspect to get that cathartic feeling.
I blame my autism getting me obsessed with deltarune and weirdcore while I was actively trying to kill myself since I think it made me picture myself as ralsei/something similar whenever I would have a breakdown and cry.
part of me says to go undego some treatment and just try to become a normal guy and maybe if I put on some pounds and muscle I'd stop thinking this way, the other part says I'll never be able to be a normal guy and I need to just an-hero before I get old and ugly and then I'll just magically wake up in fantasyland. Neither one is ever present in my mind enough to make a long term decision, the part that wants to be normal never leads to me going to the gym or anything since the other part is always in the back of my mind, but I haven't offed myself yet because the normal guy part of me always intervenes and tries to put me back on the path of being normal but then trying to be normal leads to me finding something that triggers me again like this image so its a never ending loop at this point where I've decided I need to work this out before I reach age 30 atleast and if I haven't I'll just ACK so the cycle finally stops.
I have a deeply severe case of aspergers to the point I feel more emotion over my units in a rts game dying than when I attended my grandpa's funeral
Lacked a father figure? Did you even know about Hitler back then?
Yeah see thats the thing,
I realized how reality is too late, I am only now in my early adult years realizing you need to accept reality and be more masculine and stuff but my brain for so long was in that faggy deltarune emo furry phase I don't fucking know HOW to be normal
>still talking to yourself all day pretending to be multiple posters
through simple analysis we take a post you made as the original supportive reply >>34108 where you try to format it differently. If you look closelyer it has an overuse of commas incorrectly and multiple run on sentences.
now we move onto a post you made as your original identity hours later >>34142 you accidently formatted it the same and it is filled with overuses of commas and run on sentences
conclusion: 1 gay nigga talking to himself all day with no replies other than me embarrassing him
the incredible part is how easily I can spot these things even when you had made like 2 posts and I didn't even read them
>
so from what I read you deal with escapism? whatever the topic of the fantasy, at the end of the day it is pulling away from the real world. and yes, I also had deep imaginary scenarios way before. obviously it's not healthy since no one will go against you in your "perfect" dreamland (unrelated to intrusive thoughts)
>
about masculinity, I'll tell you that the modern world has men's values messed up, you are very correct. I have this verse engrained in my mind (Ephesians 5:22), it's so heartwarming and a true example of how we should act. it's about marriage, but you can see what I'm hinting at I hope? there's other examples of natural masculinity too
>
and yes don't be surprised about relapsing, every time you want to cut down a deeply rooted passion (in a bad sense, look it up) it will fight back. you will have to fight even harder!
but I won't discourage you, personally I believe that God leads me like a shepherd, there is no fear, as Psalm 23 says. even before becoming Orthodox, at my absolute lowest everything was getting puzzled together. when I feel the struggle it means I'm doing something, like spiritual weightlifting. all the best to you, I'll light a candle for you and your loved ones, take care.
i was somewhat on that spot too yet i dont know what to give as advice
Stop engaging with said characters and find someone who is normal to talk to, you'll passively become more normal through exposure alone
dont listen to this guy live your life king
ooh yikes chud using slurs in the zarty safespace? not good larps
Hell no, either I man up or I off myself but Im not going to live as this
>>34163
I WISH I could be against furries but when I was a kid/teen I coped with how shitty life was by wrapping myself in blankets and fantasizing about being turned into something like this image or a fursona or whatever (it usually varied), I did this for so long however it fucked up my brain and so whenever I think a thought I hear it in a squeaky voice thats not mine, and whenever I plan to do something I typically imagine something like this character instead of my actual self.
And I have this weird fear of aging where everytime I see a older guy with chest hair and balding spots I feel sad and think about -ACKing while im young so I don't get that.
If I could press a button and basically just erase all this and become a sam hyde alex jones whatever type of guy I'd do it, I've been trying to be a normal dude for a while but this shit for some reason is so ingrained into me, I do hobbies, projects, socializing, all this mental health stuff but it just keeps lingering for some reason and often all it takes is just a bad day or catching a glimpse of something like this and Im back to square one and I wanna clarify I don't actively seek this stuff out I looked it up for this thread to give examples of the sort of stuff im imagining
Its "boo hoo" not boog, boog is a term for overthrowing israeli back governments
>>34106
>>34113
>Im just generally speaking a very rare type of person, i haven't met anyone else who is like me in my entire life online or in person
Your posts describe me and my story almost to a T. The perceived physical weakness, the AuDHD, the mental health struggles, the suicidal teenage years, the intense identification with (and attachment to) fictional characters (especially from media the soysphere would consider "trooncore"), the feelings of alienation and emasculation, and the struggle to be and feel normal and healthy are (or were) all great struggles in my own life. So there's at least one other person like you, even if he's an anonymous stranger on the internet.
>reddit space
I wish I could offer advice, but I'm fighting many of the same battles that you are. I mainly just want to say that you're not alone in these struggles, as corny as it sounds. I can say only that I've found incredible help and solace in the Eastern Orthodox Church. I reckon >>34151 is in a similar boat. In particular, I've found incredible value from Orthodox teachings on logismoi (tempting or assaulting thoughts).
>reddit space
Lastly (if you'll forgive me for how cliche it sounds), please be compassionate to yourself, especially with all of the incredibly unkind replies ITT. I know from experience how incredibly difficult and scary it can be to open up as deeply as you have, and it can feel like a horrible gut punch to have the only people you can talk to about these things respond to your innermost struggles with mockery and indifference. Like >>34108 said, identifying and externally articulating a struggle is an incredible step towards resolving it.
From one struggling young man to another, I wish you the absolute best. You will be in my prayers, friend.
why are you still talking to yourself, really you need to get a job
How did you overall work through it and how was it for you?
For me things started when I started getting hid by the reality of life moving from a child into a young adult without any kind of experience with hardship or masculine influences
>How did you overall work through it and how was it for you?
The short answer is by God's grace. I don't want to sound like I'm proselytizing or forcing my faith on you when I say this. However, I really cannot attribute my healing so far to anything else.
The long answer is that it depends on what specifically you mean by "it". I should clarify that I haven't fully worked through everything yet. Also, there are certain struggles you have mentioned, such as the lack of a father figure, that I have not personally dealt with. Even so, I can still relate to most of what you've described. I'll describe my journey through the battles I believe we're both fighting as best I can.
>depression and suicidal tendencies
This is probably where I've improved the most. Firstly, some context: I still don't fully understand what caused my depression. Even so, I think one its main causes was a deeply seated insecurity and dissatisfaction with who I was. A lot of this insecurity came from difficulties interacting with peers at school. From an early age, AuDHD made me act in odd and sometimes inappropriate ways (and still does), and my peers (even my childhood friends) took advantage of that. I was bullied fairly often. Heck, entire rooms full of classmates have all laughed and jeered right at me on more than one occasion. This repeated (and often harsh) rejection wore down my self esteem and caused me to increasingly isolate myself. By my early teens, I had become a suicidal recluse who formed parasocial relationships with fictional characters, who never mistreated him for being weird or awkward.
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