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>>34106
I had a slightly similar experience OP, my father was abusive and later not in my life (thankfully). So I never really had a male role model in my life, and I was (and still am) quite sensitive because of my skinny slightly short build and Aspergers. However I’d just get obsessed with fictional girls and imagining a life with them (sometimes as am afterlife although not always). I feel like the art of Chud in powerful or historical positions kinda reflected what I often fantasied about at the time just add some hecking anime girls or something to it. 

So while I never wanted to be feminine and soft like you did, I lived out my masculine urges in my imagination. I dunno where I’m getting at, just thought it was funny to compare since we had sort of similar situations but different outcomes.